This time every preseason, I’m struck by a generous spirit, and I dole out gifts to college football luminaries. Consider it my way of offering a pre-kickoff pick-me-up, following an offseason during which it seems the only winners are lawyers and their billable hours.
They say it’s better to give than to receive. I wouldn’t know. Nobody on this list ever gifted me anything other than column fodder. Perhaps, that’s the greatest gift of all.
As a pat on the back for all of my generosity, I saved the final goodie for myself.
Here's my gift list:
- The NCAA: An ounce of clout.
- Lane Kiffin: The Cleveland Browns’ practice squad.
- Curt Cignetti: A Vanity Fair piece.
- Tony Petitti: A crown and scepter.
- Greg Sankey: A metrics trophy.
- Nick Saban: A time machine.
- Dabo Swinney: A ride in Saban’s time machine.
- Tyler from Spartanburg:Vindication.
- Kirby Smart: A statue.
- Jon Sumrall: A gift card to Regal Nails, Salon and Spa.
- Florida Gators press corps: A lectern that’s bolted down.
- Kalen DeBoer: A cameo in the next “Men in Black” movie.
- Brent Venables: Another contract extension.
- James Franklin: A redemption tour.
- Dan Lanning: A strong Q4 for Nike.
- Eric Morris: A good taxidermist.
- Steve Sarkisian: A Basket Weaving 101 course at UT-Austin.
- Pete Golding: A Basket Weaving 102 course at Mississippi. Because, why stop at 101?
- Kyle Whittingham: A motorcycle ride on M-119 during the October open date.
- Southern Cal: Penn State’s schedule.
- Texas: Miami’s schedule.
- Ohio State: Notre Dame’s schedule.
- Oklahoma: Indiana’s schedule.
- Indiana: Howard’s schedule.
- Will Leitch: A pair of Warby Parker glasses.
- Ted Cruz: A copy of “I Alone Can Fix It.”
- Jere Morehead: A copy of “Henny Penny.”
- Solomon Tuliaupupu: A 10th year of eligibility.
- Joey McGuire: A black hat.
- Cody Campbell: A muzzle.
- Kalani Sitake: Cody Campbell’s checkbook.
- Dante Moore: A Heisman Trophy.
- CJ Carr: A trip to New York to watch Moore win the Heisman Trophy.
- Arch Manning: Dante Moore’s defense.
- Gunner Stockton: Arch Manning’s wide receivers.
- Keelon Russell: Gunner Stockton’s offensive line.
- Joe Burrow: His number retired at LSU.
- Jayden Daniels: A cease-and-desist from LSU.
- Pat McAfee: A graceful exit to a short-lived music career.
- Paul Finebaum: A politics podcast for normies.
- Ed Orgeron: A podcast about … well, anything. Just get him a podcast.
- Mario Cristobal: His first ACC championship.
- Ole Miss fans: A sleeve of golf balls.
- Washington State fans: A Pac-12 membership map.
- Northern Illinois fans: A Southwest Airlines gift card.
- Texas State fans: An Alaska Airlines gift card.
- Indiana fans: Another Big Ten championship.
- Georgia fans: Another SEC championship.
- Brigham Young fans: A first-round playoff game.
- Notre Dame fans: A January trip to Las Vegas.
- Lincoln Riley: The phone number for a good realtor.
- Dan Mullen: A Power Four job.
- Rhett Lashlee: A phone call from Florida State.
- Mike Norvell: A lounger on Buyout Beach.
- Luke Fickell: A tee time with Hugh Freeze.
- Scott Satterfield: A phone call from Appalachian State.
- Jason Eck: Easy access to Spotted Cow beer. Headquarters: Wisconsin.
- Brian Kelly: An endorsement deal with U-Haul.
- Bill Belichick: Free time to write his next book.
- North Carolina: A mulligan to its 2024 coaching search.
- Jordon Hudson: A happy “BANniversary” trip with her boyfriend.
- Blake Toppmeyer: A fifth consecutive season of roach-free hotel rooms.
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Blake Toppmeyer is the USA TODAY Network's senior national college football columnist. Email him at BToppmeyer@gannett.com and follow him on X @btoppmeyer.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: College football 'gifts': Nick Saban gets time machine, Lane Kiffin scores new team
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